Not all readers of OK magazine accept its accounts of blissful celebrity couples uncritically, so no doubt many of the readers who picked up their 9th January edition this year and saw Jodie Marsh declaring her undying love for new fiancé Dave Doyle might have speculated on how long it was going to last. Even so, few could have been prepared for just how quickly the affair was going to descend into a whirlpool of recrimination, name-calling and the very public washing of some (allegedly) very grubby laundry.

One week later Jodie published a blog:  "Tuesday 16th Jan 2007 - Dave Doyle You Are Dumped!" which was much quoted in the press.  The following Sunday, the 21st , the Sunday People carried Dave's side of the story.  Under the headline, 'SEX WITH MY JODIE SIZZLED ..TILL SHE GOT TOO SOZZLED' he recounted how, among other things, Jodie

Now this kind of thing could be met with a dignified silence or it could descend into a petty, childish, tit for tat, slanging match.  There was never any doubt which way Jodie would turn, was there?

"Saturday 20th Jan 2007 - The truth about Dave Doyle - he's sold a story on me and he's so ugly he hurts my eyeballs......."

The first sentence sets the tone:  "My c*nt of an ex boyfriend has sold a story on me; like all the other losers before him. Skint, no pride, lying, shit-in-bed, gutless, ugly twat!"

She memorably continues: "Just remember Boil, what goes around comes around. You'll get your comeuppance. One way or another all these lies will come back and bite you."  Because Jodie has no time for the practice of kiss'n'tell "Nobody with even a shred of pride, self-respect or dignity sells stories on other people."  So, as anyone who's read tabloid newspapers over the last few years, or even Jodie's autobiography, 'Keeping It Real' will know all her pride, self-respect and dignity went long ago.

This, presumably, explains why she was quite happy to continue the spat in the pages of OK magazine on the 30th January, under the heading, "I feel stupid, hurt and used."

Normally when a couple split up you have to shrug and say that it's simply one person's word against another.  But in this case there's another source of evidence, and one which Jodie herself recommends.  "A person only has to look at [Jodie's blog] to find out anything about me they want to know." she announced on her website (2.6.06).  So, with that in mind, let's return to Dave's allegations.

Jodie

That's Dave's version, but how does Jodie tell us she spent her time?  Her blog of  27th December 2006, entitled "The one about my birthday getting very messy & being on a 7 day bender!!!!" goes into considerable detail.  "The night was supposed to be the warm-up to my birthday but it ended up being messier than my actual birthday. We all went to Sugar Hut after where I had a table reserved and two bottles of vodka waiting (as if we hadn't already had enough by then anyway!). You can see some of the pics on my Myspace. I was dancing on the bar, being carried round the club on Lauren & Dave's shoulders (while the DJ played "Happy Birthday to you!") and generally acting up all night. Still now I don't remember how me and Dave got home or what happened when we got home. I do remember however that the next day (my actual birthday), I couldn't get out of bed until 1pm and my phone was ringing off the hook with people wanting to know where I was and what I was doing. Eventually Jord came and picked me & Dave up and I went to my mums still in my pyjamas to open my presents (got some amazing ones!). I then had another little sleep on the sofa and Lauren and Adele came over. Everyone ate birthday cake without me (cos I couldn't face a single morsel of food) and then I came home to get ready for the pub crawl that night. We were supposed to start the pub crawl at 1pm but Jord spent the afternoon ringing everyone telling them to come later as I was in too much of a bad way. I was that hungover that I couldn't even talk! Seriously - I've never felt that rough in my whole life! I very nearly wrecked the whole day by being in such a state. I was sick about 20 times. Nice.

So, on being dropped back at mine I came to the conclusion that I actually didn't want to get dressed and that at the last minute, the pub crawl was going to be a pyjama party. We then spent another hour calling everyone to tell them and finally made it out to the pub at about 5pm. There ended up being more than 30 of us out for the crawl (most of those 30 in their pyjamas and dressing gowns!). It was the funniest thing I've ever seen. Jordan had a little pouch round his neck with his money in because his pj's didn't have pockets and poor Dave was sweating all night cos his were flannel and boiling hot. Lauren even wore her slippers! My mum & dad joined us half way round the pub crawl. We tried to do every pub in Brentwood but gave up after about 6 to go to Sugar Hut. I had a table reserved at Sugar Hut again so we all piled in and I jumped straight up on the bar to show off. I had glammed my pyjamas up with a diamond tiara, the best pink glittery shoes in the whole world and lots of diamond jewellery, yet in my drunkenness I still felt the need to strip off and act up (again, pics on Myspace). It was only once inside Sugar Hut that I started to feel a bit more human (by that I mean - not so sick) and I got very drunk again. Everyone went nuts and had the most fun ever! In fact the next day everyone told me that it was the best night they had had all year! I think it's something about going out in your pyjamas that makes it so much fun. Plus, of course, when you get home, you don't need to get undressed; you can just get straight into bed! Joy!"

Pretty much all there, isn't it?  Getting extremely drunk, spending the next day in bed with a hang over then going out to start over, still wearing the pyjamas which she's been wearing to be sick about 20 times.  Personally I'd quibble about the 'Nice', though.  Jodie and Dave are together and Jodie is, as he said, staying up late drinking. 

The following evening, Christmas Eve, Dave has a job DJing.  Jodie decides to get drunk with a crowd. And "A load more of our mates were in Sugar Hut so we carried on partying until we were so drunk that we could barely stand up. At the end of the night, people started leaving and I remember hearing Sarah say to Russ and Fit Bod "look after her - make sure she gets home ok!" and when I finally stumbled out at about 3am, I found myself standing in the High Street on my own! Ha ha. The twats had all gone and left me!"  Clearly Jodie was somewhat the worse for wear at 3am, so it's not entirely surprising that, referring to their visit to his family the following day, Dave told the Sunday People, "On Christmas Day I had to virtually drag her over to meet them but she was still drunk from the night before when she was celebrating with her own family.
We only stayed 10 minutes - I was so embarrassed."

Jodie returns home and tells us that "Carolina drank 2 full glasses of neat vodka and passed out and me, Tony, Jord, and Tony's dad sat up drinking for hours until we couldn't keep our eyes open.

I stayed at my mum's (with all 6 dogs in the bed with me) ...and went up to Brentwood for yet more alcohol abuse.  We did yet another pub crawl of Brentwood and ended up in Sugar Hut again (four nights, nearly in a row with the exception of Christmas Day itself!). Comedy - just give me a sleeping bag in the corner! We were given a bottle of vodka and a bottle of JD and that was us drunk again for about the 6th night in a row!" (27.12.06)

Now let's remind ourselves, again of Dave's complaints about life with Jodie: that all she wanted to do was go to the Sugar Hut, get extremely drunk, grope women and flash her knickers...  I suppose it has to be done.  A picture is supposed to be worth a thousand words, so: